Dear Invisible Friends,
It has been a year since I left my full-time job for a life sabbatical to rest and recharge. It has been an unusual time with many insights that transformed how I look at myself, my environment, and the world.
Here is what happened in the beginning:
Infestation with uncomfortable. Yep, once I was no longer employed, I was excited…hmmm…for a few days. My husband and I went for a short trip to Osaka. I was nice, fun, and refreshing, but sooner than I wished, I was plagued by:
- Fear of unknown and uncertainty
- Anxiety about finances
- Self-doubts about doing/knowing the next steps
- Regret around making the “right” decision
- Worry about my potential employment…
Battle with unrealistic expectations. Ignoring mental chatter, I kept going, partly because I said I would. Partly because I felt responsible and accountable for having fun during this once-in-a lifetime opportunity. Without realizing it, I structured my days around unrealistic and inhuman expectations such as:
- I have to achieve my goals of writing my blog daily, exercising 5 times a week, do 10-12 hours of hobbies a week…
- I should figure out how to work without working.
- I ought to look for jobs even if I am not going to take them.
- I have to stay relevant in my professional field.
- I must be happy, content, joyful, and on sabbatical (whatever it means).
- I ought to know how to cope with uncomfortable and don’t let anxiety bring me down.
- I should get and hold my shit together…
And I felt guilty that I didn’t follow through on commitments to healthy and productive time off. I felt frustrated that I was lost and confused. I felt like a failure for my inability to have a perfect life sabbatical.
Resistance to change. I wanted change and yarned to change. At least, I thought I did. When the first signs of change arrived, I panicked and sprinted to the safety of my old feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. I applied for jobs for which I didn’t care. I started a few projects without considering the alignment with my vision, values, and lifestyle I was molting into. I pushed and pulled. I oscillated between the urgency of doing to avoid scary change and the groundedness of being who I am. Then followed a long period of liminality, in-between, limbo.
The world kept spinning, lives went on, and some clarity emerged from the foggy liminality. Once I let go, common truths were taking a new meaning.
LESSON 1. There’s more to life than work. Yes, I knew it, but I finally understood it: Work is not me, and I am not work. Before, I was fused with my professional identity to the point when asked about my free time, I plainly answered: “I just work .”That’s it. Other people had fun, engaged in creative projects, sports, and such. I simply worked or thought about work, not knowing that it could be different. When I forced myself out of the world of work, I discovered that I like:
- Creative writing
- Photography and visual arts
- Drawing & graphic design
- Yoga and mindfulness
- Reading
- Doing small cute crafts
- Sitting around doing nothing, literary nothing, and not feeling like a loser about it.
Surprisingly, I didn’t feel like a loser. Why? Here are some of my accomplishments:
- Read 42 books
- Completed 8 weeks mindfulness-based stress reduction course
- Finished 2 3d Dimond kits
- Slept, ate, and lived
These achievements are not what I am used to, and celebrating these little victories adds a new dimension to the definition of what I now count now as success.
LESSON 2. Mindful slowing down reveals the world. I was always in a rush, always busy, mostly in my head. When I finally slowed down, the world opened up a space where I could:
- met myself for the first time,
- learned that I have a body,
- deepened my relationship with my family,
- reconnected with humans,
- rediscovered familiar places.
Once I was paying closer attention, I saw that anxiety, the quest for recognition alongside a desire to please others, were responsible for the majority of my professional success. Of course, my intrinsic motivation was part of the process, but it was often run over by the above trio. This unexpected insight altered my daily routines and decision-making process.
LESSON 3. Uncertainty is a friend, not a foe. Long ago, a Greek philosopher, Heraclitus, pointed out: “The only constant in life is change .” Change means uncertain outcomes. Even if I have a bulletproof plan, it is only my intention towards the future, and guess what? The future holds no promises. The next moment is as random as a winning lottery ticket. We all intuit that problems will arise as well as solutions, hard times will supersede good ones, and good times will give way to hard ones. Well, you got the idea. I didn’t. When I finally befriended uncertainty, I was freed. Knowing that everything is possible didn’t stop me from following my dreams and executing a well-thought strategy. Instead, acknowledging uncertainty brought more clarity and objectivity because of the lessened stress, worrying, and anxiety of the unknown outcome. This mindset helped me stay calm and balanced when:
- A job I had been waiting to start for 5 months got canceled.
- A coaching certificate took much longer than expected.
- Several collaborations didn’t work out as good as I thought they would
- My brand-new coaching practice, the phd whisperer, had to be paused.
- Unexpected expenses hit my bank account…
At the end of the 12 months, I feel rested, recharged, and renewed. I’m tempted to jump back to solve problems and seek new growth opportunities. However, I intentionally stall to reflect on my experiences and carefully plan the next steps. Why am I stalling instead of executing? Because I am aware of many work-related habit loops that result in unhealthy behaviors and burnout. I am aware that I tend to abandon myself for the sake of achievement and interesting shiny projects. I am aware that to honor my long-term personal vision, I have to proceed with caution when I incorporate my work into my leisure, not the other way around. It is strange but empowering to be finally in charge of my choices, and I can’t wait to start the next chapter of this blog: Life as a sabbatical project.
Irina, The Uncertainty’s friend
