Dear Invisible Friends,
I made a tombstone out of clay as a decoration for my desk… “Morbid,” remarked my friend. “Bad Omen, ” whispered my mom. “Inspirational,” I murmured to myself. Here is why:
- A powerful reminder to use my time wisely. Contrary to what I have absorbed growing up, I understand that time and health, not money and fame are the most valuable resources. Turning 40 crystalized this awareness, especially in terms of my working life. I have already spent an impressive number of weeks pursuing projects that weren’t entirely mine. They were rather rooted in societal expectations or a perpetual desire to prove I am enough and worth it. Now when I consider new opportunities, I look at the stone before making a commitment. This small pause allows space to check if the opportunity aligns with my 5-year vision and core values. If I detect a slight mismatch, I investigate further, knowing if I say “yes” to something I might not fully enjoy, I will have to say “no” to something that brings me joy and meaning. Let me illustrate with a recent example. Last week, I came across an interesting job with a high salary and remote employment option. My first reaction was to apply for it immediately. However, the prospect of clocking 40 hours a week at the expense of not writing and slowing down ‘the phd whisperer’ gave me a pause. I looked at the stone, paused again, and let the job sink into the indigo ocean of the past.
- A burial site for my old personal stories. Over a lifetime, I have collected a multitude of beliefs, or stories, to explain the world around me. Many of these stories were shaped by childhood circumstances of which I had no control nor knowledge. Some of these beliefs molted away like an old snakeskin; others transformed under the real-life pressure; third, resisted change, hunkered down, and formed a substantial part of my core personality and mindset. Hidden away, these sticky believes often pop out when I attempt to venture into the unknown and uncomfortable. Once activated, they haunt my thoughts and halt the change. Before, I would wrestle them to silence. Now I secured a place for them to rest in peace. How does it work, you may wonder? I am glad you asked! First, I write an “old story” on a piece of paper. Next, I put it behind the clay tombstone, visible yet tucked away. Lastly, I fill the empty mental space with a new, more helpful narrative. For example, “If a company is not interested in my business now, it is because they don’t like me” becomes “Not every company is ready or needs my service. It is not personal”. By the same token, “By committing to one single project, I lose other opportunities” transforms into “Focusing on my business will give me a chance to avoid any distraction. Other opportunities are still there for me”.
- A celebration of courage and creativity. Did I mention that I come from a very superstitious country where anything has a jinx potential? That’s why I used to protect myself by spitting and knocking on wood 3 times, looking at the mirror if I had to return home for an item left behind (I still do that, old habits die hard), or spinning 3 times while holding a button to deter a misfortune summoned by a black cat? Now, imagine how somebody like me would feel about having a miniature tombstone sitting on their work desk? When the tombstone idea arrived during a mindfulness practice around impermanence, I was excited and scared at the same time. Having a poignant reminder sounded powerful, yet creating a situation for the jinx to strike, caused enough goosebumps to avoid this project for a while. However, the idea sat in my mind like a splinter waiting to be taken out until one day when I said “fuck it” and bought a pack of clay and paint. Crafting the stone was unsettling, but I found the courage to finish it up. I am definitely glad I did it because it relieved me of the heavy burden of superstitions I carried since the dawn of time. Ptui, ptui, ptui, knock, knock, knock, spin, spin, spin…
Morbid, bad omen-ish, inspirational … The tombstone rests on my desk, full of additional meaning only known to me. Its imperfection and the subtle resemblance to the real object nudges me to cultivate a lifestyle based on authentic choices, new stories, and service to others. No matter how scary starting a new business is, I’d feel more at peace trying to help others with careers and professional alignment than to blindly following the path carved by my former self.
Irina, the Tombstone creator
P.S.
Dear Invisible Friends,
Please don’t hesitate to share this content if you think somebody finds my stories useful. We are all in it together, right?
Virtual hugs and wishes,
Irina
