Dear Invisible Friends,
Today I am reflecting on my 4,5 months life sabbatical brought to life by the “dream turned nightmare” position. For clarity, I decided to organize my thoughts around 3 themes: recovery, well-being, and passions. This installment covers the transition from a full-time job to almost complete unemployment.
As you might recall, a year ago, I intuited that I would not last long pushing through bleak and grey days at my former organization. Thus, my family and I started to prepare financially and psychologically for the upcoming employment termination. Despite my eagerness for a change, the transition wasn’t going as smoothly as I anticipated until I came across a book by Willian Bridges called “Transitions.”
According to Bridges’s framework, any transition consists of 3 phases: the beginning, the neutral zone, and the end. This makes sense, right? Except that “each transition starts with the end.” The end is where we say our farewells and reconcile the past before we are granted a chance of glimpsing the future. The end was exactly where I found myself right after I surrendered my work computer on May 31, 2021.
The end: For the first 2 months, I have questioned my decision to leave, craved human interactions devised by the artificial environment of our workplaces, and wrestled with the urge to check off items from a non-existence yet habitual to-do list. The de jour feelings of June and July were mainly anxiety, fear, confusion, and joy. I woke up in the morning feeling excited for a new day, only to be confused minutes later about what I was supposed to do next. I tried to structure my life but often forgot to check the bullet journal for what needs to be accomplished. In truth, I could not enjoy my life because the reality didn’t match my expectations of a life sabbatical, a vivid vision of which I shared with tons of people. I felt like a failure for my inability to relax into a cloud-free summer. I yearned to get over the past; however, deep down, I knew I would remain stuck until I found closure with what had happened with my job.
This story is for another time though.
The neutral zone: Once the withdrawal angst subsided and the closure arrived, I slammed into the neutral zone precisely described by Bridges as “a time of lostness and emptiness before life resumes an intelligible pattern and direction.” The neutral zone was hard to navigate because it offered no flag posts, milestones, nor guidelines. I plowed through days filled with uncertainty and ambiguity. My cherished professional identity vanished, leaving me naked and vulnerable. Now I was entrenched in the transition with no way out insight. I weighted alternatives: go back to the familiar end and try to find a full-time job that I didn’t care for or sit with uncomfortable to see what comes out of it. Torn, I choose the least appealing option.
So I labeled month #3: “the Neutral zone and liminal spaces,” took a deep breath, and stepped into the unknown territory. During the in-between time, my writing dwindled to a monthly post, the bullet journal disappeared from my desk, uneventful hours crawled by unnoticed. Unsurprisingly, Netflix made a strong comeback to soothe my discomfort like a baby blanket. After several “blah” weeks, the idea of building a coaching and training business started to occupy my mind. I have entertained this project before, but now it was shaping into something tangible and achievable. Soon the idea became a vision, and then it found a name – the PhD whisperer. The excitement and energy rushed into the neutral zone signifying a new phase, the beginning.
The beginning: After a 4 months break, it feels strange to start something new. More often than not, I am conflicted about spending my time on building the business instead of having a relaxing life sabbatical dedicated to writing, drawing, photography, and the like. I also sense the presence of fear rooted in the recent burnout and depression caused by no boundaries between my work and life commitments. However, I am aware that I won’t be fulfilled unless I positively impact people around me. The last 4,5 months have been nearly devoided of facilitating change and innovation, making my life meaningless and empty. Empowered by this new awareness, I choose to embrace uncomfortable uncertainty to experience the beginning as I have never done before. Until further updates…
Irina, the Beginner
P.S.
Dear Invisible Friends,
Please don’t hesitate to share this content if you think somebody finds my stories useful. We are all in it together, right?
Virtual hugs and wishes,
Irina
